They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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