so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
