don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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