Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
