I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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