New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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