MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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