tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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