I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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