so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
