I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
