I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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