I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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