So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Apparently you make a good broom.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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