the condom got lost in my hair
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
