There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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