I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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