She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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