You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Randomize
