I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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