I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
