the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
