i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
