Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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