My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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