Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Randomize
