you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
