Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
