also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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