You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
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It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
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In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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