Dude my mom stole all your condoms
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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