She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
