please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
My liver is preforming stress tests.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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