College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Randomize
