Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Randomize
