Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
