ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
