you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
