I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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