i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
