6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
