when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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