I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
