True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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