Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.