lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
