You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
