I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
