Pregnant stripper...not hot.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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