Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
