Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
