yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
