Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Randomize
