Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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