I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
