Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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