Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Randomize
