Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
