Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
